Ranting

I want to rant. I don’t think that there’s anything real to rant about unless this becomes some deep ‘Alex discovers her inner feelings’ thing. I need something. Something and I don’t know what it is. My first thought’s that university is coming. So along with the money/school/work lectures and my own anxiety I’m all worked up and tense and frustrated. It doesn’t really explain the feeling of something not there but I don’t know how to fix my empty spot, the one my mind spins around.

I’m pissed off because I still love him.

There. I said it. I found my empty spot.

I still love him and my heart won’t even try to let go.

Sometimes there’s this little hope inside of me that flares up. Not even sometimes. Ok not even a little. It’s a Big Hope, alright? I want him to love me like he did. I can nearly hear him say that. I love you. It used to be so simple to say. It was nothing. Like kissing or breathing or dialing his number. It didn’t take any thought or hesitation. I didn’t worry about how he would react to those words. They didn’t used to make him reply, “no.. Alex.. you can’t”.. I didn’t have to hide or ignore it or beat it down with the fact that it’s wrong. That I have a boyfriend, I made the wrong choices, I messed it up. I know it’s wrong that I still say it out loud when i’m alone or when I’m drunk and can’t think of anything but his face. Oh but I do. I love you. It’s been soo long since I told him that. When was it, january 1st? I’ve had people tell me since then that he’s being an ass with the things he says, the things he does. Really it just makes me feel like we’re even. Now that I’ve broken his heart and he’s broken mine we can move on.. right? The little things he does like text me in the middle of the night saying “i just got raped by the sexiest people ever lol:P” make me feel like crap for a little while and make me tear up.. but it feels like we become more even every time he hurts me a little. We’re the same people which is what gets me. We could be the same as we were if i could tell him the absolute truth, if he could forgive me and if i could forgive myself. It's a lot of 'if''s. I know. I know..
Every time I think about my fucking up and lying and fucking up again it makes me cringe and makes me sick. I think I’ve gotten over the thing though, where I’m lying in bed, a thought comes into my head and I curl up into a ball reflexively, like I’m trying to squeeze out the part of me that hurts. I love him. I don’t know how that recovery process goes; whether I try to forget -no- get passed all of my memories or ignore it or hold on for dear life to the only thing that hurts more that any thing. I love him, he’s my lobster. My lobster he always will be.
Last night we went to see the movie 9, E and I. And I looked at his leg there in the dark movie theatre and it reminded me of the way C’ jeans used to look.. and I couldn’t help but run my hand over it.. then think to myself how insane and selfish and masochistic I am, for telling my boyfriend I love him and believing when he says it back but then imagining someone else in his seat.. I feel like such a bad person for pretending, even for that millisecond, that he is who he’s not. Eli (screw this no name shit, there are two to three C’s I have to talk about and it just doesn’t suffice calling them by letter) is – I want to say he’s a good guy. I want to say that he’s a human being capable of being self sacrificing and kind and considerate. I want him to be these things. But he’s not. Not in one go at least. He loves me and I, too, love him. He changes me though. Before him I never fought with anyone, I didn’t complain daily. It’s not a very good change and I’m sad that I made this choice but it’s hard to say 'regret'. It makes me regret feeling regret (hahah?) since he makes me happy. Wow- talk about contradiction. I make him happy too I hope, but both of us know that it’ll end. This isn’t real true love. Is that wrong? To be with someone for the feeling of being loved and close to someone? Is it wrong that one of if not the main reason I went back to him was because of his family? Because I liked being there and belonging, being nice and funny with them? Eli was pretending to be gay last night and there was a hint of something in my mind. A glimmer of almost hope. (I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR FEELING THIS.) It was a reminder that I want him to break my heart, instead of me breaking his. If you’re reading this, ask yourself why, since it’s just me making myself feel better by rambling. Im done for now I think. It’s late. I have to wake up in the morning and try to do scales. I don’t even know how much a blog post can hold but apparently it's a lot. like 700 words on microsoft word (welcome to my slight OCD). I guess that this became an ‘Alex discovers her inner feelings’ thing eh? Who knew that writing a post could make you feel so much better :P
Thanks Amy, for showing me blogging.